Chemo sucks.

I'm having a really hard time with the chemo. Here's a breakdown of how the days after go:

Thursday: Chemo

Friday: Feel fine

Saturday: Start feeling slight nerve pain toward end of day

Sunday: Completely out of commission; on the couch all day with pulses of sharp, piercing nerve pain

Monday: Same story

Tuesday: Start to feel a little better, but stomach starts liquefying everything that hits it

Wednesday: Nerve pain gone, but still have diarrhea, stomach cramps, and very sexy gas

Thursday: Feel pretty good, normality on the horizon

So, Wednesday I finally got over the nerve pain and went out with my cousin Libby for breakfast. (Wore the wig. Lordy, it's hot. Bandanas are gonna have to be an option. Or nothing at all, I guess. Anyway.) Tolerated the stomach issues pretty well all day, and was happy to be feeling back to my old self. Then night hit. That numb patch on my thigh started spreading to a band that reaches from my rear to my groin, and instead of numbness, it felt like someone is poking me with scalding hot needles. I did not sleep at all that night. I called my doctor at 5:30 a.m. in total pain, and she called a prescription in for a patch that numbs the skin. I took off that minute to the 24-hour Walgreens to pick it up. The lady at the drive-through window had to deal with my sobbing as she tried to explain details about the patch. I was tired, in pain, and just fed up that I have to be dealing with this. 

When I got home, I put on the patch and felt a little relief. I crashed in exhaustion on the couch for two hours, and when I woke up, I Googled all I could about this nerve pain I'm feeling. Found it. Peripheral Neuropathy, which is caused by the "V" in ABVD, Vinblastine. Symptoms are piercing pain, heavy arms (feeling that, too), muscle weakness (yep). Pain lasts sometimes months after chemo is over, the website said. Hell no. I called Dr. Gaeke's office for an appointment to discuss what I'd read with her. I just can't deal with this for months. 

When I got to the office, I was a basket case. No sleep does that to me. I just cry. And cry. The nurse took me to the little room and asked me about my symptoms, and I went through four Kleenexes crying and blowing my nose like a nutcase. I'm just frustrated. Everybody's telling me I'm strong and I'll get through this, but it's so hard to feel strong when pain is taking over my body, my life. I'm home from work and don't have the health to do a load of laundry. Graham is taking such good care of me, and he comes home to a sink full of dishes. I feel so guilty. The nurse listened compassionately as I explained all of this with-pathetic-on-top. Ugh. 

Dr. Gaeke came in with a binder outlining cancer researchers' guidelines about how to deal with Hodgkin's. She was looking for any alternative to get me out of chemo as soon as possible. She said she's never had a Hodgkin's patient react with such nerve problems. I asked if my dosage was correct, she said they triple check, and yes, it's correct. I asked if it'd be possible to leave the "V" out of my treatment, a solution I read about online. She said no, she doesn't want to stray from the prescribed regimen. For the meantime she prescribed an anticonvulsant that should help with my nerves and said that instead of six chemo treatments, we'll try four plus radiation. So that means I'm half finished. As I left, I apologized for calling so early. She said she was sorry if she sounded groggy on the phone and to call anytime. 

I really don't know how I feel about cutting the chemo treatments by a third. I am having a very hard time with the treatment, that's for sure. But I don't want to drag things out, either. The ultimate goal is to get rid of the cancer, right? Will radiation be any better than chemo?

Please keep me in prayer. As I write, my thigh is pulsing with pain, my stomach is in a knot. Been feeling lately like if cancer won't kill me, then chemo surely will. I know I need to stay positive, but this week it's been especially difficult.

Love you all.

Tara