Ugh, it's falling out. Saturday and Sunday it was just a few hairs at a time, but now every time I run my hands through my hair, I come back with a nest.
God, give me the strength to shave it. I've never had long, flowing locks, but I've never gone bald, either. Right now I can run to the grocery or wherever without everyone there knowing I'm a cancer patient. But with a bald head? I guess it's just something I will have to get used to.
Every time I pull out a handful, I ask Graham if he'll still love me when I'm bald. Each time he replies cheerfully, "Yep." Not You just asked me that or Stop dwelling on it, just, "Yep." I apologized for asking over and over and he said, "Babe, ask me as many times as you need." I love him so much.
I could really use some positive pushes toward boldly going bald, so bring it on. I'm a little needy right now. Blech.
11 comments:
I remember when my dad was losing his hair due to his radiation. And for a man, he LOVES his hair! It's so easy for everyone to say, just do it, since most of us have never had to go through it. But you'll still be beautiful! And just think how much cooler you'll be the rest of the summer without having to mess with hair! : ) Good luck, you're in our prayers! Oh and you definitely have a reason to be a little needy!!
I'm sorry about your hair, Tara. But you'll still be as gorgeous as ever without it, I promise. And it'll come back.
I love how Graham is going to shave it for you--and how your sister is going to photograph the event. You guys have the best spirit about this. Stay positive!
I'm praying for you every day. You'll get through this!
xoxo
Napoleon: Why do you got your hood on like that?
Pedro: Well, when I got home from school, my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but that didn't do nothing. So I got laid in the bathtub for a while but then I realized it was my hair that made my head so hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.
Napoleon: I know what you mean.
Click here to see it in action.
Oh, and Michael wears those armbands every single day.
Hi Tara,
Just lucked on to your blog, as I searched for other Hodgkin's related blogs.
I just started blogging myself after I was diagnosed about 2 months ago with stage 2b Hodgkin's - my stats are very similar to yours.
I'm 27 and am about one month ahead of you in the game from what I read in your blogs. 4 weeks ago I held a big event called Martini's for Hodgkin's in which I raised funds for The Lymphoma Foundation and the highlight of the evening was getting my head shaved at the event in-front of everyone!
I had 16" of long red hair that I never thought I could part with in a million years, it is/was so much of my identity, confidence and beauty as a woman (a single woman too)that I feared this was going to be bad.
It's not, 99% I'm okay with it. 99% of the time I don't cry, 99% of the time I walk around proud as a peacock because I know it takes "real" confidence to walk around looking different from other woman. And I'm finding that the confidence that I display is my identity and my beauty - not my hair!(who knew!)
The other 1% of the time I eat chocolate, feel sorry for myself and hate on people with hair.
Here's a few observations being 4 weeks into it you wont read in any book:
- when it starts to go, it goes fast. I couldn't cut it all off without proof that it was going to fall out. The nurses warned me that it would go quickly, and it may be traumatic if I didn't bite the bullet and cut it before then - I didn't listen. It fell out for about 2 weeks before I cut it, that was about 1 week too long. If you are a "freaker outter" cut it on the 4th or 5th day your follicles start jumping ship. You'll have enough proof that they're mutinying without having to watch the ship sink.
- don't shave your head completely. get a hair dresser to cut it into some kind of pixie cut first keeping length on top or around your face because you may not go bald for awhile or at all. Short cuts can do thinning hair, I've rocked it for about 3 weeks and just went shorter later week... and it seems to have stopped falling out. yay (I have photos)
- nothing screams cancer patient like a scarf or turban on a young chick; just live your truth or wig out.
- Wear bigger earings and more eye make-up, you wont look over done. I've had to kick it up a notch and sport my evening looks during the day. In photo's coming back to me I found I looked really pale and naked with such little hair to draw attention to my face. I started using my former hair-styling time in the morning to Tammy-Faye the eyes and I look alive again.
- my armpit hair has stopped growing - yay:) Don't ask about the bikini... why god!?
- you may look like a stereotypical lesbian, a really cute lesbian, but one none the less. Here I was all worried no one would hit on me at the bars anymore:) If you're not gay, thank the ladies and what the heck, let them buy you a drink! Years from now you and your husband can fondly refer back this time as that year you were "experimenting" (with the hair lol), rather than that time you had Hodgkin's!
Anyways, I know this is long but I thought it might be nice for you to have someone (a young woman too) just steps ahead pointing out the puddles... I wish I had that - still looking. But you have a portacath - I don't, on the waiting list. I hope I can touch in with you about that when my time comes:)
Good luck with the lid, I'm sure you'll be fine. I can tell by your writings you're so much more than a little bit of blonde hair!
Okay. I hope all your friends/family/strangers don't think I'm horrible for not having supportive sweet things to say.
Having never gone through what you are, all Michael and I know to do is try and send a little humor your way. Love you bunches and prayin' for you too.
I don't know about you, but I like the Martini idea. A little Martini, some good company and some hair droppin'. What more could you ask for??
Chuck and I send our love.
I too am down with the martinis... I sent you some pics to your email... look, cry, and relish b/c without these pics I don't remember a thing....
I've heard of women doing crazy home coloring of their hair the day before they get it cut short or shaved off in this situation. Think of what you could look like with blue hair, or orange streaks? Now is the chance to be that kind of creative.
********
I love you because of your smarts, your wit, your strength against inanity (yeah, you know who I'm talking about), your creativity, your skills (your Mad skills), and all the other wonderful things about you.
You are up there among my favorite people in this world.
I fondly think of you often.
You are in my prayers.
Glad you found it funny... I find allot of humor in the experiences I go through with cancer... most of it tasteless!
I think we're reading the same books... "Cancer Card". lol
I am in the process of building and updating my blog with old topics and notes I made from before I was on the computer; my experiences when I was first diagnosed etc. (to be backdated)
I don't know when I'm getting the portacath, I'm on a list. Interesting that you got yours from the start, do you pay for things like that in Ohio?
ttys
Just think of all the time you'll save showering ...and all the money you'll save on not having to buy hair products. If I could shave with you...I would...I have horrible "cat" hair anyway. oh, and when you do shave, we call it a "shave rave"...make a party out of it... it will probably come back WAY prettier the next time.
Tara,
Im a co-worker of Graham's and I just wanted to say that I hope you hang in there and stay strong. I could not imagine what you two are going through but it is inspiring to read your blogs.
Sounds like God and Graham will get you through this thing!! Hang in there!!
Tell Graham that I will beat him in ping pong tomorrow. You know that is all he does at work right?
Keep writing and stay strong. You are in my prayers.
Matt
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